A few weeks ago I came across a simplified explanation of how a hologram is made. Apparently, it is made when light shines through a series of ripples. (Please note that my description is a super simplified interpretation of the already simplified explanation.) The part that fascinated me the most was the fact that the sheet with all the ripples on it could be torn in half and when light shines through just one half, the entire hologram would still appear. Every single part of that sheet contains ALL the information needed to create the hologram. So in theory, it could still be created on a subatomic level by shining light through infinitely smaller pieces of the ripples. All fragments contain the whole. I love this idea and immediately thought of how it applied to me.
If my broken heart can create new whole hearts from the pieces that have been broken off, why can’t it work in the opposite direction too? What if all my broken bits already contain all the information needed to be a whole and healthy person? Maybe that’s the reason why my heart is able to replicate. It knows how to be whole, so that’s what it makes.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my inability to have healthy relationships, specifically my relationships with men and my relationship with alcohol. I’ve been telling myself that I don’t know how to have healthy relationships with either of them, but that’s bullshit. Just because I haven’t in the past doesn’t mean I don’t know how. I know how. It’s just easier to stick with familiar patterns. It’s easier to say I don’t know rather stand up for my own self worth. It’s easier to quit drinking rather than say fuck you to all the reason I used to drink.
My need for love and approval, coupled with an almost crippling social anxiety, led to some unfortunate romantic entanglements that were heavily lubricated by alcohol. But to cut these things out of my life, to stop trying, to give up on dealing with the roots of bad patterns, is a choice that invalidates my own wholeness. It’s a choice that says not only that I am broken beyond repair, but also that I must accept this brokenness and live my life around it.
I am not broken. I might be cracked, the result of a few unfortunate falls, but Leonard Cohen says that’s what lets the light in. Maybe in some strange way, the light through the cracks is what makes it possible for me to see that I am actually whole. It’s the light through the ripples that creates the hologram. So maybe cracks aren’t cracks at all. Maybe they’re just ripples reflecting light, creating the image of a whole and healthy me.